Even after a decade of my late husband’s passing, there are still times I am hit right in the gut with a feeling of grief, sadness, or anger about being a widow. It usually starts as a feeling of just not feeling happy and I can not really pinpoint why. Then the blues continue and often it is when I am in a situation I feel I have no control over. Often it is something I can not make better in my children’s lives and when things are happening that I worried about. In my mind, I am questioning who else would care about them as much as I do? Other times it can be as minor as a snowstorm As a widowed woman, I am left to shovel on my own. Other times it is when something breaks in my home and I am not quite sure how to fix it. It is at these times I often feel most alone. Sometimes the illogical questions follow as a result of me feeling helpless or frustrated. I am thinking in my own head why did you leave me? Implying wasn’t I worth staying alive for. Why did you leave me to deal with this alone? It is not fair and I am angry at you for leaving me? As if he really had a choice to stay. I guess it happens to me simply, because it is at these times I feel most alone and out of control. I am feeling sorry for myself and questioning my own abilities to change things around in my life while feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to do. I am putting pressure on myself to do them even when I might not be up to the task. Thinking why I am not motivated enough to be doing all I can do to live my best life? When I am just not feeling like I am enough. This is when I miss the life I had as well as the life I believed I would have. A life that included things like a whole family, not one missing a husband and a father. One where I may have felt overwhelmed, but had someone else to turn to for help and not just my children. Although they are all grown up, sometimes I still want to be the strong mom who can handle it all and make them feel better too. I want the life where I was loved and accepted for not having the body I had when he met me in my twenties, yet still enough to love. He knew me to be much more than what one can see in a dating profile. Having a man who knew me on a much deeper level as someone with a deeper soul. The sides of me could never be known from just words on a page, but only from spending time with me. Missing feeling safe to be vulnerable and sometimes even needy without the risk of being hurt or rejected. I long for the freedom to be who I am without having to prove I am worth the time and effort to get to know. I want the ease of just being with someone who truly knew me to the core. So I guess really on some level when I am asking the question of why did you leave me, in a way I feel like I am also asking myself why was I not enough to live for? Really when I ask this question, my own insecurities about myself come to the surface. I am not sure why that is. I think this happens because we have to feel the loss of the person we were when we were with them while also feeling the grief of the lost dreams we had linked together. When we lost them we also lost part of our identity as a person. Our task now is to figure out the person we wish to become without them. This takes time especially when your time with them was more than the time without them. It is something I am working on every day. Even after a decade since his passing and it has become so much easier to deal with my grief than in the first few years, sometimes I still feel the loss of the person I had been.
However, the person I was before the loss is different than the person I am now. I have learned I am a much stronger person than I thought myself to be as well as much more capable than I was before. Some of this knowledge came out of necessity, having to learn thongs like having to fix a door that would not close. It is a small thing really, but this small thing has given me more confidence in my abilities to do much greater things I probably would not have even attempted before. It has also shown me I am more than enough, but the only thing that holds me back is when I am the one who doubts it
Even though I know I am enough, as a human sometimes I will long for the things I lost as well as some parts of my previous life. I have to often try to remember I am building a new different equally happy life. I am happy with the woman I have become despite what I have lost. This woman sees with more perspective her own worth and value outside of a relationship as well as the value of being in a relationship. This was something I did not see clearly before my loss. With this knowledge, my next relationship will be better, because I will have the insight to know I must love myself first and not expect my value to come from someone else’s opinion of me. This will give my new partner more room to be imperfect and it will allow for the creation of greater space for appreciation and love.
What Choice Do I have?
What Choice do I have? “It’s this or die ! What choice do I have?”- Rob Wigsten This was Rob’s response whenever anyone would call him brave while fighting his cancer. Looking back at his response I understand it even more, because my journey with grief often feels this way. Although on so…
My Tree
My Tree ” Storms make trees take deeper roots,”- unknown My late husband was an incredible story teller. I always knew where he was whenever we went to parties, because all I would have to do was listen for the laughter of a crowd of people. Rob would be in the center of…
I See You Everywhere-A Love Letter
I See You Everywhere!-A Love Letter ” It hurts to remember, but I do not wish to forget!”-Lori Wigsten Dear Rob, When I first lost you, it was hard to do anything without having something to remind me of you and bring me instantly to tears. It could be the familiar or…
Survivor Benefits 