In the initial stages of grief, I found my emotions were all over the place. Sometimes I would spend hours feeling sad. Since I still had to function in the world, I also spent a lot of time feeling I was not really living in a way this poem expresses.

Living Among What is Dead

By Lori Wigsten

My heart has slowed to a crawl.

There is a fire around me…

    but I feel nothing at all.

I am among the living…

     But feel most at home among what is dead.

Going through the motions of life…

     while thinking about all I have left unsaid.

The birds have stopped singing…

      and all has faded to grey.

It is as if all the color in life

      had faded away!

Wishing for the right words to be said

to bring me back to the living

after being a home living among that which is dead!

This was how I got through the beginning stages of my journey when I was out in the world where others had no knowledge of my loss. I knew that it was not appropriate to wear my heart on my sleeve to the rest of the world and it was not fair to others to put them in the uncomfortable position of how to deal with my loss. Let’s face it most people just do not know what to say or they just do not wish to think about how this could be them .

Yet, I still wanted to navigate my way back to being a part of the world and not different from it. My life had been altered in a way so many others around me could not understand. This made it feel even lonelier than I already felt. I just could not relate to others in the same way anymore. I longed to get back to normal again. These days were some of the hardest days of my life when I did not even know where to begin to get back to “normal”. Life just did not seem like it could ever feel that way again. I had to accept that may normal would be different than other peoples normal. Mine would always include the loss of my husband and it was something I would not “get over”, but learn to live with. This was not the way most of the world sees this. There is a misconception that you will get over it in time, However it leaves a mark on your view of life that will never go away, but it will fade over time. Once I came to this realization, I began to see I needed to take small steps towards creating a new normal.

Over time I did this by taking small manageable steps. To the average person these steps might be seen as automatic, but for someone grieving they are not. So slowly It was one step forward and two steps back. First began with just getting out of bed and realizing I must to honor the memory of my husband who would have wanted me to live life. How could I not live life when he fought so hard to keep his. Although he eventually lost his fight, he was for an inspiration for me to continue as well as the fact that I had two teenage daughter’s who needed a mom..

     Believe me I know when you are in the deepest depths of grief sometimes it is even hard to get out of bed, but you must find the strength to just get up and do the things you need to do as much as you can. Both of those things feel like they take so much energy to do and at first just living ordinary life is exhausting. If you would have ever told me the most difficult thing, I ever faced in my life would have led me to the biggest awakening to life and led me back to doing something I love to do which is writing, I would have said you were crazy! Yet. here I am and here is my blog.

When my grief journey began, I was lucky just to string two thoughts together. However now, I consider myself a survivor. This is just one of the reasons I decided to call my blog Survivor Benefits. Survivor Benefits when losing someone is far from what anyone would call a benefit. It was really a play on words. I decided upon this title, because of what it represents. At first for me it represented the Social Security Benefits I was able to collect to help raise my children, but later the words represented something much different to me.

Survivor is also used to describe a person who overcame a difficult situation. Survivors often go on to use this difficult experience to help them to grow and becomes a vehicle for which they become more empathic towards anyone who suffers. Survivors often appreciate things in life so many others take for granted.  For me the loss of my husband has done just that for me. I am a stronger, more empathetic and grateful person. I appreciate life more than I ever.   

The next step I had to take was to just be patient with myself! Losing someone you love is hard! I had to realize it was ok if things took effort. I had to just keep moving and living life even if for awhile getting out of bed  is all I could do! I just add one more thing to my list each week like taking a shower, and getting dressed. E Sometimes it will be just little steps like this and other times you will have the energy to do other things like call a friend. Progress was slow, but it still was progress.  Eventually it lead me back to living life again. However, even now I have days when I grieve the life I once knew, yet I know the feeling will pass and I will find joy in life again. Those first few months taught me that and to have patience when those feelings of grief resurface. It is a sign I have loved deeply and I should take time to appreciate the people I still have in my life. Appreciation was one of the greatest gifts grief showed me, because often before this I took so much for granted.  If you are just beginning your grief journey then know it is ok if all you can manage to appreciate is the smallest of things which bring you comfort.  For me in the beginning it was just being grateful for the comfortable bed I had. As time went on the list got bigger and yours will too.

I hope the story of my journey will lead you to a similar path. My intention is to give you a place to start on your own journey towards healing. It may be different from mine, but it comes from the same place of wanting to feel better. If you are just reading this and you are in the beginning stages of grief know it will get better You will always grieve, but it does not mean life will not get easier. Your grief will get so much easier to live with and will eventually take up less time and space in your life. The best thing you can do for yourself is keep trying and not give up!. Just know that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel!