Honoring The Life You Had

One of the things I have tried to do ever since my husband’s passing was to honor the life we had together. There has never been a question in my mind I should forget him, although there was always a fear I might. How could I forget someone who played such a big part in my life and who I am now as a person? Let’s face it even his passing changed who I was and how I function in the world. 

   You might ask so how can I do this and still move forward ? In my mind, it is the only way you can move forward  Without honoring the life you had you will forever have a void that can not be filled any other way. Often when you have lost someone, people who love and care about you will walk on eggshells by not talking about the person you lost for fear of not making you feel sad.  We want others to understand our pain at having lost someone who played a big part in our life. Yet, so often this makes us feel even more lonely, isolated, alone, and misunderstood in our grief. We want to know we are not the only one remembering and missing our loved one. So how do we stop others from doing this? We talk about them ourselves. We bring them up in conversation where we naturally would if they were still alive. While hanging out with close friends, I might bring up a memory and say something like do you remember when Rob brought us all together to fly rockets in the park and how much fun that was? By doing this, we find a way to work in a memory we have of them  It should feel natural to work them into the conversation. It gives everyone in your life who also cared for them permission and an opportunity to share their memories and their grief with you without feeling guilty that it may bring a moment of sadness. It truly is a way for you and others to heal as well as honor the person who touched your lives.  Honoring their life should not only be limited to the day of their memorial service.

  In my life, there were also several occasions where his loss would be most felt so I found a way to honor his memory. During my husband’s fight against cancer, his family from out of state would rent a beach house close by so we could see each other and enjoy the summer without Rob having to stop going to treatment. This went on for several years. He and I would get the keys to the summer house and go grocery shopping so when all arrived we could just enjoy each other’s company. He would always be the first person to greet his family members at the front door when they arrived after their long drive. It was part of our summer tradition. After he passed my daughters and I put our heads together to try and find a way where his family could bring him up in conversation without feeling like they were making us feel sad. So what we decided was we would get a life-size cut out of Rob, (using a picture where he was being his goofy self by trying to make everyone laugh).  When it came time to greet everyone at the summer cottage, Rob would still be there at the door, only this time as the full-size cut-out version of him. Our efforts paid off when his family members showed up and it turned what could have been a very sad occasion into an occasion for laughter which  Rob was known for. The cut-out was a way to talk about Rob’s humorous side and how he would have gotten a kick out of this, especially since he was on the short side and the cut-out gave him an extra inch or two. Rob’s brother-in-law added to the fun by moving the life-size Rob around the beach house during the two-week stay. It became like a game of Where’s Waldo? for both the kids and the adults. So instead of the loss of Rob overshadowing our time spent together, it became a huge part of the fun we had that weekend. It also gave all permission to talk about Rob instead of his loss being the elephant in the room. The best part for all was knowing  Rob would have been the first to join in on the fun. The life-size Rob has continued to come out on special occasions. It appeared in a family Christmas card photo the next year for family members we felt would appreciate the humor and then again on my youngest daughter’s 21st birthday  Since Rob loved making others laugh it was one of the best ways we could honor the life we all had with him.

  As a widow there is a huge part of you wants to continue to honor their memory so often deciding when to take off your wedding ring is difficult. It feels like you should in order to move forward, especially if you want to be open to another relationship. My late husband asked me to promise him I would move on to have another relationship once he was gone, telling me I was too loving a person to remain alone. Coming from a man who I trusted completely to be faithful, this was the greatest gift he could give me before he departed. I cried when he asked this of me telling him it would never be the same , yet I knew although it would be different, someday it would be possible. I did not realize his loss would actually make me a better partner, because I would no longer take for granted all the little things people do for you once you are in a committed relationship. So when I did decide it was time to take my wedding ring off, I wanted to still find a way to honor the life I had with him.  I choose at first to find a ring with his birthstone and wear it, but later decided I should have a family ring made. Doing this to me was a way of honoring our life together, but leaving open the possibility of a new relationship.

Honoring the life you had is something one should continue to do as long as it feels right to you. You should never let anyone convince you by doing this you are not moving on. Others who have not had a loss may try to convince you of this. If you ask anyone who has suffered this kind of loss they will tell you that memories of the person they loved are triggered all the time and is not necessarily a bad thing if those triggered memories now bring you a smile instead of a tear. The smile means you are moving forward, because this is something you will never fully get over. It is an experience you can live with and use to help you appreciate and honor the life you are living now. That is a lesson, not just for the widowed, but all people need to learn in order to live their best life.