Lately, I have been longing for the way things should have been. The feeling has come and gone during the last few months. I know it has happened because I am living alone again. My youngest has moved into her own place after returning to her childhood home last year during the intense time of Covid 19.  It was great to have someone here when the protocol of the day was to keep your circle as small as possible. When she told me she was moving out and away to the city, I was happy and excited for her. I know this was something she always wanted to do. Her moving out was the natural course of things. After all as a parent it is your job to raise your children to be independent people who can stand on their own two feet. Yet, a part of me was sad I would be living alone again. It brought up all of the old feelings I felt after when Rob died.

Before Rob passed away, I use to say I could not understand why anyone would be sad about their children moving out and away, because I knew in my heart that was supposed to happen.  Even after he died if one or the other of my children came and went I accepted this as normal. I even got used to living alone for a while when both of them had moved out at the same time. However, that was pre- Covid and I was much more able to meet with friends on a more regular basis and no one felt like they should be cautious about meeting in a group. Covid changed all of that.

Although the worst of the pandemic is over, its effects of it are not. People still are cautious about meeting in larger groups and many have a much smaller circle of close friends. I did try to keep in contact with people by phone. It is just not the same. Even some meet-up groups I joined pre- pandemic fizzled out and died. So, like so many others, my circle of friends got smaller and even the friends I had we met in person so much less. It changed the nature of all my relationships. My support network became so much smaller than it had been out of necessity. No one intended this to happen, but in order to stay “safe”, we all had to reduce the number of people we came into contact with. For people with a partner and family living close by, they might not have experienced much difference, but for those of us without this, the pandemic hit harder.

What does all of this have to do with my longing for what should have been you might be wondering. My daughter moving out just brought all of these things to light. Once again, I felt the same fears I had when Rob had passed. If something happened to me who would be close enough to reach out to and help. Then of course it made me think if Rob was still alive, I would not be alone, because I would have him here for support. My daughter had become that go-to person. Since she would no longer be close by, I realized I will have to turn to other people for help as I had in the past. The pandemic gave me an out to not put the effort into doing this as well as my daughter living with me. I have always had trouble asking other people for help outside my family even close friends, not wanting to be a burden to anyone. Then of course there is the idea that your pleas for help and support will be rejected. With this rejection comes feeling hurt and unsupported again, which brings up the grief of losing Rob. Sometimes it is hard to ask for help, because of the risk of that happening.

The other issue was with my daughter moving as she was so often around that I did not feel lonely. Feeling lonely of course can still happen when you are with someone. However, I feel when you are widowed and feel lonely it only magnifies the loss you already feel.

As human beings we need others. Being alone just becomes more of a challenge when you are a widowed person. When coupled, you automatically had a social life with your partner. The difference now for a widowed person, you must be the one to create a social life by reaching out to others. You must be the one doing the work to create a social life. That sometimes is hard to do, because when you are feeling lonely you want someone to reach out to you so you can know that someone cares. When feeling lonely my mind often thinks Rob should be here so I only have to put in 50 percent of the effort. The plain truth is often as a coupled person you do not have to reach out because you have each other. I had to get used to this fact and realize that yes I have to work twice as hard at having a social life as some do. I use to envy single because they had more freedom. Now I also understand that freedom also comes with a price. Neither situation is good or bad, but each is different. Each requires a different way of operating in the world.

As I sit here and write, I know that I must think of my situation differently, sitting around longing for what should have been (Rob here with me), gets me nowhere. It just keeps me in the same place, feeling lonely sad, and alone. Instead, I must appreciate the solitude I do get and the times I get to spend with friends both when I create them and when they invite me.  Between those times, I need to learn to make the most of the moment I am in, even if it is a moment when I am alone. Being alone does not mean one has to feel lonely. Just changing the way you look at it can make all the difference and I had forgotten how to do this. Feeling lonely is only temporary and it is something that is within my power to change. It may be by reaching out to old friends or by making new ones. It could be just going to someplace with other people around. It could even be by using this alone time to get things I need to get done or by trying new things on my own. After all, I can not go back to `what should have been, but I can create what will be. Change is always happening. I just need to be the one actively making it happen!