Firsts

“Sometimes I feel like I am in a battle with my own heart.”- Lori Wigsten

     One thing I had to learn as a widow was in order for me to start to feel normal again, I had to get through most of the first times without my late husband. This was one of the most difficult things to do, because it meant at least one year would have to go by before most of those firsts would occur.  You need to build a future without them and past of memories where they have not been.

My year of firsts started with the first morning after he died. Yet, things did not feel as if he was gone, after all his things were still there as if nothing had changed at all. It is a weird feeling to see all around you the remnants of a life that was just there yesterday. Your mind can’t comprehend they are gone. There will be no more tomorrows with them. I think this is one of the reasons why so many rush to get rid of the remnants of their partner thinking that this will take away their pain and sadness The reality is it does not. Your mind will not let you forget. Even when those things are not around you, you are still reminded of the life you had with them.

You are often reminded out of the blue. You drive by a place they loved and your mind goes there. You get together with friends and their absence is all you feel.  Sometimes relatives rush in to help you rid yourself of their stuff thinking this might bring some relief from the sadness you feel, but the truth is it will not. Like it or not decreasing the pain of grief takes time and the time line for everyone is different, but in my experience, it is only better once you have gotten through most of the major first without them. When you can look back and not think was this before or after they died? Were they here when or the other thing happened?

Each of the firsts in the year after my husband died was hard. The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and vacation to name a few. Everyone thinks that these times will be the most difficult for you, however they are also most likely the times people rally around you knowing it will be difficult. The firsts I felt were worse for me, were the everyday firsts such as waking up each morning without the first conversation of the day, coming home after work and not finding them there to share your thoughts about the day and not being able to share moments of your children’s’ lives with them.  These kinds of first were much worse to me, because I had to face them every single moment of every single day. Those moments took the most time to get used to. I can say that as the months past they did get easier.

Yet, even after the first year of living the everyday firsts and the special occasions firsts, the grief could rear its ugly head yet again. There would come many firsts after so many others, which would bring those old feelings back. My daughters were in High school when their father died that did not fit neatly in the yearlong time line. Such events happened long after the first year was over such as when they learned to drive a car, their first real boyfriends, graduating from high school and college. These would bring back the sting of his absence. Things such as completing the work we had begun together on our house while incorporating things we envisioned together. His not being here to share in the success of our plans, brought back that sting yet again, since he was not here to enjoy with me how successful everything had turned out.

Having had these experiences taught me one thing about my grief. It taught me even if it diminishes the grief itself never really goes away. I wish this was something I had been told ahead of time. It would have made it easier for me to understand grief would return and punch me in the gut even after long periods of feeling normal and happy again. The difference is grief no longer is a constant presence in my everyday life. It becomes a surprise umwelcomned visitor.  The frequency of those visits diminishes as the years past, because you now have a wealth of happy memories which occurred after your loss so you have a different reference point. Things no longer feel classified as before he died and after he died. Now I even have to think about if he was alive when this happen or not. You now have your own memories of times spent with those you love after the constant sting of their absence has faded.  However even with that said, I feel his influence is always there reminding me to value my life and the people in it in honor of him whose life was cut short. For this I will always be grateful, because it was his last parting gift to me and the most valuable lesson I have learned!