Asking For Help

When I first was widowed, my world became very dark, and my emotions were on a crazy roller coaster ride. First, I would feel ok as I walked around the world of the living doing ordinary things like going to work, grocery shopping, etc. During these times I often felt like an imposter. This was not who I am or what I was truly feeling, yet I knew I must function in the world so I had to tuck away the feelings of sadness I was feeling. While doing this at times, I almost felt normal again like everyone else.

However, I was not like everyone else. Having to try to keep my emotions in check made me feel numb. So often I felt like a robot going through the actions of life, but not really living. I was not truly noticing the world around me, yet at this time I did not know it. I think so many of us do this regularly, we go through life getting stuff done, but feeling nothing.

As a widow, this is magnified, because to get through each day, in the beginning, takes so much energy. I know for me I waited until I got home to fall apart because there I was safe from judgment and from those who might not understand how life was as a widow. I also waited to fall apart, because it felt unfair to bring such sadness to others who seemed otherwise happy. Having these feelings often kept me from asking others for the help I needed even for simple things like a drop-off or pick up when my car might be at the garage being repaired or help with a home repair.

I guess that is one of the real dilemmas of being a widow. So often I felt like I needed the help. Yet I did not want to ask for it because in some weird way I thought it would be bringing the sadness I felt to others and on some level that they might judge me. They would know I was not as ok as I pretended to be. I was still very sad.  Yet, on so many levels I know it was ok for them to know this so they might help me through it. On another level, the judgment I thought they might level at me was really my own judgment about myself and on so many people who would be the very people who would be more than willing to help me. By giving me the help, I needed with the many things my husband use to do, this would help things to feel more normal and less difficult to deal with. Eventually, I got over this these feelings and realized it was ok to ask others for the help I needed because so often they wanted to give it and were just waiting for me to ask.

You see those who love you want to be there for you and often we do not let them.  We are often too proud to ask or do not even try to ask for fear of being disappointed when they do not. At least for me sometimes I did not even try to ask for help since I had been let down by people after Rob died that I had really believed would be there for me and my daughters. Yet, not asking for help from some others was really not fair to those who wanted to help, yet did not know what we needed, because I failed to tell them. Also, I think at times I did not even know what I needed so I did not know what to ask for!

So, at first, I started to try to recognize when I needed help. Next, I would think about the people in my life who could help me. Then I would actually ask them for their help and more times than not they were glad to help when they could. Sure, some failed to help when asked and that was disappointing, however, more people did help who gave me the courage to keep asking. If they consistently were there more times than not. I knew those were the people I could rely on. Those were my go-to people after the loss of my husband who I use to rely on. It took some adjusting to this, but in the end, my friendship with these people has grown stronger. So much so that I will also be there for them should they need me.

Becoming a widow and growing older I have learned sometimes who you thought were true friends turns out not to be with things got tough and uncomfortable to handle like when you are grieving the loss of someone you love. Some friends are just better than others in helping you through those challenging days. The grief process really just help me to sort the two out. Now I have a group of friends who stick by me even when things are difficult. Friends who are willing to be there to help even when it is not easy. It is just another gift that came about as a result of the grieving process. Who would have thought?