When Life Rains Down on You!

“Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”- Max Ehrmann

     Even after 13 years since I first lost my husband, there are still times that knock me right back to where I was years ago. I have felt as if the past few weeks have been just like that. It started when I knew I would be returning to work. You see I work as an educator so I have the luxury of the summer off. Going back to school is going back to a routine, meaning the end of a flexible schedule. In many ways, it means heading into the cold dreary days of Winter. Don’t get me wrong. Winter also has many wonderful things, but for someone living alone often you spend more time alone than you do in the Summer. Winter time puts you, your family, and your friends in hibernation mode. So, the Wintertime can sometimes get lonely. I was not looking forward to that at all.

What added to my view of a dreary Winter was the fact my youngest decided to move to another state. Although it is within driving distance, I knew I would miss our weekly ritual of getting breakfast together and watching some show we had decided to watch together as we ate breakfast, yet I was excited for her to start on her own adventure! For me, It would be an adjustment to living alone yet again. I was used to this. It was not the first time one or the other moved back in and then out again. I would be dealing with both my children not living close enough for them to stop by whenever they wanted. I knew I could handle the adjustment it just takes me a few weeks to find my way back to living solo.

I was just getting used to the idea when I noticed my roof was now leaking which meant finding someone to fix it. Which as any homeowner knows is a chore in itself. I would have to deal with finding someone to fix it and then arranging for it to be fixed! My first thought was why could this have happened in the Summer in the months I was home all day! It just felt so unfair!

Next, a week into the school year, I discovered I had Covid which threw me off. I had been able to avoid getting Covid 19 since it had arrived here in March of 2020. I had taken all the precautions I could like getting the vaccines and boosters. What made this feel especially unfair was I learned of my diagnosis the very day the new booster, the most recent for the current variant was approved! Now I would have to wait to get the newest vaccine! Luckily my symptoms were mild, but it was still taking a while for my cough to go away. What added to my frustration was I had been scheduled to have eye surgery the following week. This had to be postponed.

Also, within a week of these events, I also found out one of my single friends’ situation changed  So being my only single friend close by, meant no more weeknight out with her. I am happy for her. She deserves this, yet it feels again like something was being taken away from me. All of these things happening at once felt overwhelming.  Seemed like too much to handle, but little did I know the worst was yet to come.

I know I am not alone in dealing with so many unpleasant events all at once and I usually try not to complain on this blog, but I felt I needed to explain all that was happening. It made what happened next feel so much more personal. I also wanted readers to understand that even after a decade of your loss, some things can still hit you much harder than you ever expected! With all I had going on I was already feeling frustrated. I did not feel like I could handle anything more!

The next event is the one that caused me to stumble backward in my grief journey.  There were two cats who came into my life after Rob passed. They both were a God send to me on those lonely days of coming home to a house with no other living human. They served as my greeting committee and helped me to feel loved as well as needed, especially in those first lonely years. Julia who is the oldest has been slowing down quite a bit. It saddens me to think about the day she would move on to her heavenly home. The other, Owen the younger of the two would he miss her companionship while I was away at work? After all he was the one who was the neediest always wanting my attention when I was home. He was always following me around and very vocal about telling me he wanted my attention.

The next ball to drop in my world happened after I recovered enough Covid to return to work. My youngest daughter texted me after coming back home because the internet at her new place was not working. She said she returned and there was something very wrong with Owen. It caught me off guard. Her text said he was not his usual happy self and was acting very odd. She said he was moaning at times and was having trouble walking. I told her we needed to call the vet. She called after speaking with me and arranged for her sister who had also come down for a visit to take him to the vet. My oldest daughter did bring him immediately when they said to bring him down for observation.  Soon after that, I got the call from the vet at school. He told me Owen was in a lot of pain and should be put down. His condition had deteriorated and was now the source of his pain. This was a bit of a shock because at his last visit to the vet everything seemed to be normal for him.  About a year before all of this, he had been experiencing digestive problems which had seemed to be controlled with a special medication. I had always known it could be cancer, but since at his last visit the vet felt he seemed to be doing well and did not have any apparent new health issues. I thought things would go on as they had.

When the vet called with this news, my heart sank to know my little buddy was in such pain. I wanted to be there with him. I asked the vet to make him comfortable and that I would get there as soon as possible. He said he could do that, but I should understand with his condition the medication might kill him before I could get there. I said I understood but just wanted him to relieve his pain. This unexpected turn of events was like a punch in the gut. Luckily my employer let me leave earlier so I could get to him as soon as possible. With everything that happened within a few hours, the previous happenings paled in comparison. The reality of what was truly important came back into view. The living beings I valued matter more than any of the other things.

Too many people to love a cat as much as I loved Owen might seem silly. To me, it was not. He serve as my little buddy for the last 11 years. He was the being I often turned to for comfort when I was feeling down. He needed me and I needed him. We had formed a special bond. He was my lap warmer on those cold winter days and my “protector at night “as he slept with me every night. As I thought about life without him all my grief-filled feelings came back, the same ones I had felt when my husband died. I really loved that cat. It hurt to think of my life without him. It still hurts today as I write this.

The funny thing is I had told my daughters I did not want another cat! Yet, they convinced me I need a companion for Julia after our beloved Border Collie Emma had died. So, I gave in, and then he arrived. From the start, he had some health issues, but they were minor ones. Yet, I felt he had needed us.

So, home came this constantly purring happy kitten.  Turns out we needed him as much as he needed us. Owen was always purring and content to be around us and he would follow us around like a dog wanting our attention whenever he could get it. He would meow as if having conversations with us all the time and would crawl up on our laps when given a chance. Without his constant purring and talking to us, my home has again become too quiet.

I never expected to love a cat as much as I loved him. His passing brought back so much of the grief I felt after my husband had died.  There were some things that felt so very similar. Since I had been sick, I had not been able to give Owen the quality time I had wanted to before he passed. With my husband, I had to return to work just a week or two of the news that he only had a short time left. Being at work when my daughter texted me about Owen felt similar.

The feeling I should have been there more was a feeling I had to shake once again as I lost something precious to me. I felt so guilty I had not gotten to spend more time with both of them when they were alive. I lost both of them to cancer.

My home also had a similar feeling the next day. When I returned home, there was a familiar silence I had not experienced in a long time. My home became much too quiet. Owen loved to talk and so did my late husband.

September too came with a mixture of emotions now and Owen’s death just added to it. The familiar feeling of unfairness, anger, and frustration filled the next week as I again questioned why did this have to happen. Hadn’t I had enough frustrating things happen? Wasn’t September already sad enough? After all September was a reminder of the loss of two people I loved? Those two people were my husband and my mom. The familiar questions of why and why now returned to my mind!

Then of course to add more frustration and anger in my already grieving mind, the rain kept coming and kept me from getting the roof replaced!  Why in the middle of all these other losses and things I could not control? Why was life so cruel to me yet again? Why add to my grief with the leaking roof? I had not lost anything that made me this sad up until this point Was the universe testing me to see how I would respond to all of this? I was not ready for the test. I thought I had moved past this, but apparently not. All of this was so unexpected. Yet, I had to realize that is how life goes sometimes. Better to just release my anger and frustration and let it go, because feeling this way would not make anything better. It would not take away the grief I felt.

September had not always been a time for sadness.  September had been a time; I look forward to. Going back to school for me was something I actually enjoyed as a child because I loved learning and still do. I was married in this month. My wedding was so much fun that people still talked about it being one of the best weddings they had ever attended.

But then the losses came my mother (her birthday was in September, the death of my husband and now my much-loved cat, September now holds a mixture of emotions for me. So, losing one of my favorite pets just brought to light all of the losses. My tears could not help, but fall once again in September. I had felt for the most part like grief was behind me and yet here it was again at my doorstep. I had to learn to deal with it in all the ways I had written about in this blog. It was dam hard to follow my own advice, but now after a few weeks have passed I started beginning to think about everything that happened differently.  Looking back now I want to see there might have been a divine plan working to make things go the way they had. If some of these things had not occurred things would have been much worse for our much-loved cat Owen, although I will never truly understand why he had to be taken too soon. I would like to believe there is a reason I do not understand right now.

In order to again learn to live with my grief, I had to realize that although things hurt right now, it still is a temporary thing. Yes, I will always grieve the loss of those I loved. However, eventually, life will go on and I will again feel better. It will just take time. While I continue to wait for that time, I managed to think about how some things appeared to happen for a reason.  My Covid had been a mild case that passed fairly quickly. It had caused me to cancel my surgery but had allowed me and my oldest daughter who had canceled all her business appointments for my surgery to be able to be together when we put Owen to sleep. My youngest daughter not having the internet working at her apartment caused her to return home the morning when she found Owen after I had left for work. The universe had conspired all of us to be here together for Owen’s last hours. The chain of events was just too many to excuse away as coincidence.

Everything which felt wrong while it was happening, had actually been working out to make a very awful situation better. So, although the passing of my much-loved cat has made me sad, at least now I can feel like the awful things that happened before make more sense in hindsight.

So, in conclusion, I have to say this when we are in the middle of the rain falling down on us, all we can see or feel is the rain. We are not always able to see the positive aspects in the rain falling. Often times in grief it is the same way. While grieving all we feel is the loss. Yet, grief also shows us how much we loved and were loved. Loving deeply means feeling the loss of that love. Often times comparing this dark time to the times when things are good helps us to appreciate those times as well as what we have left to appreciate. As humans, we so often can not see clearly, the full picture. Things we feel as awful can end up leading to the greatest growth in our lives. Sometimes they end up being something better for us in the end. However, when we are in the middle of it all, it is hard to believe or see it. We must realize often it takes time and distance to see how things do work out for the best. That is not to dismiss that there will always be things that happen that we will not understand why. However, this should not keep us from holding the belief there is a deeper spiritual reason for them even if we can not see it. That truly is the way I am trying to look at my grief journey. It is one way I have been able to learn to live with my grief and my loss. I know in my heart that the lessons my grief have taught me have made me a better person, mother,, friend, and in the future will make me a better partner when the right time comes.