I Am Single, What Now?

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long that you do not stop.”

—Confucius

      Thinking of myself as a single person took time and, at first I was not sure how to be single. After all, it had been almost twenty years since I held that title. Things had changed so much. Online dating was now the way to meet people, and I felt out of the loop. What made matters worse was that so many of my closest friends were married, and their closest friends were also married. I would not find any possibility of other singles within these relationships. In many ways, it did not matter, because I was not quite ready for dating. So, what now? I thought.

I did not want to date, but I still wanted a social life. I made a plan to create a social life, which was not easy because all I wanted to do was stay home where I felt comfortable. I knew, however, that staying in my comfort zone was not going to help me move forward to build a life where I could have hope for the future. As it was, it took at least the first year of firsts without Rob before I could even imagine or think about what the future could be. So, I started building a social life by making a plan to get together with the friends I did have, coupled or not, once a month. I did it slowly because I knew I only had so much energy to give to the world. Sometimes I invited two couples together to my house for dinner so it would not feel awkward. Other times it would be just the wives. Making a commitment with these friends kept me from just staying home because I did not feel up to socializing. Often, I felt better about my life even though, as the day approached I had the urge to cancel. By doing this, I had a little bit of the social life I had from before, even if it was not exactly the same. Parts of this felt familiar and comfortable, and it left me feeling less lonely.

However, after some time of doing this, I realized that I needed to develop more friendships with people who were also single, people who I could call on the spur of the moment to get together. I was lucky enough to already have a few single friends to call. I knew I should expand this circle of single friends, so I started seeking out other singles who might be open to establishing new friendships. Once I found some possible people, I arranged to get together once a month, like I did with my coupled friends, so now I ensured that I had two weekends where I had something to do and possibly something to look forward to doing, which again led me to diminished feelings of loneliness. By planning some of my own get-togethers, I also had other opportunities to go out when these people reciprocated an invitation.

Once I was comfortable with the routine, I began to look for groups in my area to join with singles, but also groups in which I had a shared interest. I had great luck online finding this through Meetup, an online place to organize a group in your local area. Before signing up and attending any of the activities, all kinds of questions floated through my head. How will I know where to go? Will they like me? Will it be like walking into a clique, like in high school? I felt anxious and nervous. Even with the anxiety and questions, I forced myself to be brave and do it. To my surprise, I was welcomed into the groups and found that many in the group were, like me, single and looking for friendships. I discovered that my fears were unfounded and the groups were a real benefit to me. With these groups, I did not have to put in a lot of energy, which as a grieving person it is often hard to find. I just had to show up to an event, which someone else had organized, and be sociable. These groups became my go-to when I felt lonely on a weekend and my other friends were busy. I eventually began to feel like I had even more of a social life than I did before, and that actually was a good feeling that let me know that even if no other romantic partner ever came along, I could still live with being single and even feel happy again. Knowing this, of course, made it easier to feel like the grief I felt would not take over my life forever, but would eventually become something that I felt from time to time, only a part of my life. It would, eventually, live in the background, not the foreground of my life.