Get Over It- I Think Not!

 I think there are so many people out there who believe when you lose someone you should just get over it. It has been over 13 years for me. I am not over it. With that being said, I can see I have learned how to manage it as well as live with the grief which pops up from time to time now, not like it used to in the first year when every day was just a reminder of my husband not being there.

Just recently I had to go in for minor surgery, and my youngest daughter brought me as well as picked me up. Even though I knew she was glad to do it, there still was a part of me that thought it should have been my husband going with me. He should have been the one driving me back and forth to my appointment. Granted surgery is not something one usually has often. However, you would think after 13 years those thoughts would not even cross my mind and I would be over it enough to not even think it, but I still do sometimes. This of course was not the first time thinking like this and it will not be the last. I know there will be so many more of them in my future. When one of my daughters marries, I will think he should have been here to walk her down the aisle. When his first grandchild is born, I will think he should have been here to be a grandfather, especially since he would have been such a fun grandfather!  Taking them on all kinds of adventures, spoiling them with all the things we could not afford to buy our children when we were young! He had been looking forward to being a grandfather for those reasons. Although I will try my hardest to make up for his loss, I can never really be the grandfather he would have been. So, in many ways I grieve for the grandchildren he will never see and I grieve for them because they will never have that experience.

There will always be a hole in all of our lives that only he could fill. I am not dismissing the idea someone else might come along who could fill the role of grandfather in their lives if I choose to marry again. I could find a wonderful person to fill the role. I certainly hope I do. It will always be different. That difference might be just as wonderful. I know this has happened for many other people. However, those who knew the person we lost too soon will still miss that part of our lives.

So, if you are someone reading this who is not the person who lost someone, please do not tell us to get over it. Instead, help us to get through it. Continue to talk about the person we loved and cared for. Bring them up in conversation. Show us pictures of them you have. That truly is the best way to honor and respect our loss. We want to know our grief is not just ours but shared by others whose lives our loved one touched. That is one of the best ways to “help us get through it” and learn to live with it, while still moving forward. The biggest fear when you lose someone is you will forget so much of the one you loved. We do not want to forget things like their laugh, the sound of their voice and so much more. When people share their memories, it is a way to help us remember the things we loved about them. Allowing us to keep them alive in this way makes it easier for us to move forward knowing they will always be remembered as will the love we shared for them.

When we have someone to share our memories with, eventually the sadness we feel fades. The sadness is then replaced by memories and love we shared for them in our hearts!