Scared

“Stop going to a dry well, and expecting water.”-Clarice

     When I first became a widow, there were lots of things I feared. Forgetting the sound of my husband’s voice. Not being able to fix certain things when they broke in my house. I worried… Who would take care of the cars? How would my daughters be affected by the loss of their dad? There were a million other things at that time I was worried about, but I often put those fears aside. My primary job was to raise my children. So, I did what I had to do to get over these fears. Now that I am heading closer to my golden years, my fears have changed. In some ways, they seem more illogical than when I was younger, but that does not stop them from still being there.

       The truth is sometimes I am feeling scared of being left alone with no one to reach out to help me if there was a real emergency. Yet, I know for the most part this is an illogical fear, but emotionally it does not feel that way at all. I have my two daughters and other people I could reach out to who would be there for me, but maybe not immediately. The real truth is probably in between these two ideas.

       Unlike my daughters who rely on me and me them, other people do not need me like I feel I need them. They have plenty of others they can rely on for help in emergency situations.  So sometimes I am just plain anxious. I start to overthink things and get in my head. I missed the security of having a partner always there for me no matter what, one who wanted to protect me and make me feel safe. Someone there to listen when I was worrying about things that I had no control over. Even at my worst, my husband was there to love me including all of my broken pieces. Someone was there to tell me I was overthinking things and everything would be fine. My daughters often play that role for me now, but since they have their own lives, I do not expect them to play this role every day.  However, with a partner the expectation is different.

     With one’s partner, the expectation is a lifetime commitment to you and your well-being. You come ahead of almost everything. Having this makes you feel safe, protected, and always cared for. I miss that sense of security, safety, and protection I felt every day. I also miss the shared responsibility.  Now as a single person, I must do it all and worry about it all on my own. Not that the worrying changes anything, but at least being able to share your concerns with your partner made them feel lighter as well as easier to resolve.  These were things I had taken for granted. I did not really appreciate their value until they were taken from me with the death of my husband. As a single person, having to do everything alone can sometimes feel overwhelming. When you have a partner, it’s expected it’s part of the unspoken contract that they share the responsibility with you. In such lonely times when you feel overwhelmed, they are there to reassure you that you are not alone and help you to realize you do not have to do it all. As a widow, your only options are to do it alone or ask others for help, with no- first option of asking a partner. For most widows, this is not the choice they want and just reminds them again of the loss of their partner. Making them feel even more alone and lonely along with adding just one more thing to their overwhelming to-do list. When you are in the midst of these feelings, you have no idea how it can all get done unless you do it

     When I am in that place and I’m feeling alone, scared, and overwhelmed, I have to remind myself to reach out for help. What is most hurtful to me is when someone promises to help, but then fails to. Sometimes I do not think people realize how difficult it is to ask in the first place, and then being let down just adds to the hurt. It often takes a lot of energy for a very overwhelmed widow to ask at all. The letdown just makes one feel like they are even more alone than they thought. It reinforces the idea that they must do it all alone. So often, they often give up and stop asking. At first, that was how I felt, but then after a while, I was able to muster enough energy to try again. Through this process, I learned to filter out those who were not able to provide me with the support I longed for.  Then I began to just focus on those who have shown me in the past I could rely on them. The lesson was for me to understand often things change and so do the people in your life and you need to change with it

     Another lesson from this experience was that of forgiveness. I needed to forgive those who let me down without even knowing it. We all have seasons in our lives when we just do not have the energy to give to someone else. We all let others down at some point. It is my responsibility to deal with my own internal fears and realize I am the only one who can truly diminish them. It does not mean to stop reaching out to others. It also does not mean I ban forever those who failed me. I can still leave the possibility of them returning back into my life once they demonstrate they are worthy of my trust again. Some of the best advice about this was given to me by my daughter Clarice. She is the author of the quote above. The quote leads me to stop and ask this question whenever someone has let me down. Is this someone who right now is capable of giving me what I need or do I need to go elsewhere? I just sometimes need to be reminded going back to a dry well that yields no water is pointless. What I need to do is look for another well, either within myself or someone who has shown me in the past they have plenty of water to share! When I reflect on this, it helps me to realize there have been many people who have been there for me, so there is no need to feel alone.  So, when my fears overtake my logical mind, I need to stop and think. I need to remember all of those who have been there for me in my toughest times and remember I can rely on them when I need them, but I must be the one to reach towards them if I need them. When I do things usually work out fine!