Dreams

“When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.”

— Eckhart Tolle

     Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my late husband and what losing him taught me about life. At first, I could only think about what I had lost. When I lost him so many of my dreams were gone because they were our dreams. Losing him meant not only losing my dreams, but also a huge part of my identity as a person. I was no longer someone’s wife, but suddenly a middle-aged, single person with few single friends.  This was not how I ever expected to end up in any of my dreams. I had always pictured myself with my late husband, my daughters, and my future grandchildren. My family had always been my top priority in those days.

My life is nothing like I imagined at this point. My daughters live in another state, not far away, but still not as close as I had imagined. I am still trying to build my own life and my own dreams. After all, let’s face it as someone in my fifties, it is not an easy thing to do. Being single is not where most people my age find themselves. Also, my job working for an elementary school has always been one I chose, because it was best for my family since my children needed me there, especially after their dad passed. My job had served this purpose well for many years, and I found it fulfilling during those years. I would not have changed any of it, but it just makes changing things over at my age harder to do.

During those times, I kept many things the same, because changing too much felt like just another loss of everything I had known. Some things needed to stay the same. I needed a sense of stability in at least some parts of my life. I stayed in the same house and kept the same job. I kept many of the same friendships we had shared. The things I changed were things I could handle like finding more single friends. Yet, even this change was very small having gained only a few single friends. My home did not change, yet it is so different than it was when he died. I have added so much more of my personality to it. A stone walkway and two front gardens of flowers are what you are greeted with when you first see it. This was a dream of mine. I remember being upset with my husband because he would not help me dig up this area. It was my project and I think he could not see in his mind’s eye what I imagined in mine. It was only half done when he passed. I had just started it the summer when he was given the diagnosis that he only had months to live. It got put on hold so I could take care of him when he was dying. Now the gardens are one thing I changed after he passed along with adding a beautiful stone walkway, which I installed a year later. It is a part of a dream that was mine alone.  My gardens are something I am proud I was able to complete. I have received many compliments on my gardens. This was only one of the many changes my home would go through. For a while doing these things satisfied my desire to give my dreams a place to go.

Lately, however, I find myself restless wanting more, but really not knowing where to go. In the past when I felt this way, I would ask my late husband for advice, because he was the one person in this world who knew me the best. After all these years I expected I would be over not having him here for advice, yet I am not.  I am still trying to figure out how to live a life without him. I still long for how easy it was to be with him and talk about my hopes and fears. It was not awkward or uncomfortable as so many things can feel when they are new. Doing new things with him made things feel comfortable and easy to accomplish.

Yet, I know my path to a new life even now is to move past my comfort zone which I have done so many times since his passing, but it still is difficult to do. Tried to find a new partner online, but as many people know this takes a lot of effort and time.  I gave up after a while when it just made me feel worse about the type of men out there and the distances, I might have to go to find the right one. After all, being in your forties and now fifties, you are not exactly the bell of the ball anymore, especially since so many men on the sites prefer women much younger than you.  In my part of the country, men have the advantage of there being more women than men on these sites. I know it is possible to meet that way, but it definitely is not a cakewalk. You still have to kiss a lot more frogs than princes at my age. Attraction does matter even if we do not want to admit that it does.  Sure, do I also want someone who shares my interests, of course, I do, but interesting men who share my interests are hard to find. Yet, I know I have just got to get out there and try! I have to take the risk of being hurt in order to get the reward of a new relationship.

My other comfort zone is my job. I have been there forever and it has served its purpose well. It has allowed me to be around for my daughters when they were little. Yet, I am looking for something where I can show off more of my talents. It does not mean I will necessarily leave the job I am at, but I am looking to add more to my life. I have talents I want to share with the world but feel like I have no outlet where I can do that now. There is so much more to me than the world sees in the job I hold. I am searching for ways to show off more of my talents. Yet, even when I try to find a place where I can do this, I am often met with rejection and a call for proof of my experience in order to show people what I can do. I get it, but it just is very frustrating when I know I am capable of so much more than people can see right now. I just want a chance to prove it. In this area also, I must draw enough energy not to give up and keep trying until I can see the reward of my efforts.

So, what does this have to do with being a widow, and what I have learned as a result? It has a lot to do with the grief you go through. You see often you keep wanting the thing you had beforehand, especially the person who made you feel comfortable.  Grief throws you off balance and you need to find a different way to get back into balance, which can never be the same way as before. Grief causes you to stretch and grow. You get to choose in what direction you either go forward or accept where you are at. I know that is the gift grief taught me.  So now when I look at turning points like this in my life, I need to decide which choice to make. As for me, I am choosing to move forward. I am working on getting out of my comfort zone and feeling capable of doing something new. This means leaving behind my old dreams of the past which died when my husband died. I can take comfort in knowing in my heart that would be something my