“Sometimes it is OK not to be OK.” -Lori Wigsten

     While on an online forum of writers, I came across a post by another widow.  Her husband had passed away less than 6 months ago. She was blaming herself for not getting enough writing done since his loss. Others were offering kind words to try to help her motivate herself. They had good intentions but truly did not understand. Often widows feel like they should be doing more because we want to move past their loss as quickly as we can and it seems like the rest of the world also wants that for us too. This is easy to say, but not so easy to do. My words to her were, it is okay not to be okay for a while, and to give herself time to grieve her loss.

Like this widow often I have beaten myself up for not getting enough done and for not having the motivation to do more than the things I need to do.  You see often when you are grieving in the beginning you can barely remember anything, never mind a list of things you need to get done. So often I would forget to do something important and then kick myself for not remembering to do it. It took me a while to realize that this was normal for someone grieving and I needed to have compassion for myself. This was hard to do, because I felt like I was not doing enough to help myself to move on. What I failed to realize was part of moving on meant dealing with my feelings of sadness and loss.

So much of the culture around me avoid talking about death and dying, never mind dealing with loss. So many want to ignore this aspect of life. They want to avoid thinking about loss as well as the sadness that accompanies it. They somehow believe not thinking about it will make it not something they will ever have to face.  Many people often tell their children lies about what happened to a treasured pet rather than tell them their pet has died. They do this with good intentions not wanting their children to feel sad.

Death will visit us all eventually, avoiding it forever will not be possible. We all will have to deal with facing the death of a loved one and eventually our own. Society often does not do a very good job of preparing us for it. I know I certainly was not prepared for the grief I had to face once my husband passed. I had known other kinds of grief, having lost my grandparents, my mother, and my brother in my younger years. Losing my husband in my forties was a much different experience. Although I had lost those others younger than I should have, I expected them to die before I did.  The only loss that to me must be harder to face would be losing a child.

Even now after 13 years, there are times, I feel the loss of my husband and it stops me in my tracks. I think for a moment why am I not over this? I should be doing more, yet sometimes I am only able to do things I need to do. I have come to realize sometimes it’s okay not to be okay even years later. I have come to see we have to be able to offer ourselves the same compassion we give to others. So often we are harder on ourselves than we should be. All of us should remember this because beating ourselves up often makes us feel worse and does not motivate us. If we treat ourselves with the same compassion we offer to others, we often move past the way we feel faster. Yet, often as widows we often feel we must force ourselves to do things to feel better, but this backfires when we are not able to do it. Society often reinforces this idea that we can somehow propel ourselves through it faster than we actually can so then we feel guilty we are not. Our first step should be to have self-compassion for ourselves and do what we can do until we have the energy to do more.  I am not saying that there are not times when we should not reach out for professional help if we are experiencing complex grief (grief that is constant and lingers longer than a year, gets worse or is delayed). We must absolutely reach out for help when we are dealing with this kind of grief, but often we just beat up on ourselves for a normal reaction to the loss we just faced.

We have to come to understand grief does not end within a few months and also the lingering effects grief can have on you. How years later you could be doing just fine and then one day be thrown back into the same feelings of grief you’ve experienced in the beginning. We need to understand grief is not a series of steps, but a series of waves that come and go throughout your life. The waves are bigger in the beginning and they last longer, but even years later you still experience the feeling of being punched in the gut at times unexpectedly when something brings back an old memory.

For me, after 13 years it doesn’t happen as often as it used to happen. When it does, the feeling of sadness doesn’t last as long as it did in the past. However, it’s still present -it’s still there. As a widowed person, I want so much to be able to comfort those beginning this journey, because I know how hard it is and how long it takes to even start to feel normal again. It is my deepest desire to educate people about this journey since I have felt I was so unprepared for what I had to face. You have to get through all of the first. You have to build a life of memories without them.  Memories where you have to think was this before or after they passed. When that happens, you are healing and things will get easier and easier.  I always had faith I would learn to live with my grief, but I also know it was something I would never completely get over. I see grief now as an unwelcome, unexpected visitor, yet it also has become one of my greatest teachers. It taught me how to appreciate so many things that most people take for granted. It also gave me more compassion for others in the difficulties they face. It also made me realize I had to offer that same compassion to myself and realize sometimes I would get knocked off my feet. It was ok sometimes to give myself time to get back up. It didn’t mean I spent all my waking hours grieving, but I did allow myself time to not be okay and not beat myself up if I was not.

So, my advice to those new to the grieving process, remember to give yourself a break and show yourself compassion. The processing of your grief cannot be rushed. How long it takes you may be different than how long it took me. I do promise you that it will become easier after a while and you will get on to the business of living. Just remember to be kind to yourself and realize that sometimes it’s okay not to be okay.