“There is no security on this earth: there is only opportunity’
– Douglas Mac Arthur

“Freedom means the opportunity to be what we never thought we would be.”
– Daniel Boorstin

It has been awhile since I last wrote in this blog. I was feeling stuck, like I was not making any real forward progress. This felt like just another lost battle since the loss of Rob. Yet, not writing about what I was feeling did not make those feelings go away. I felt them just as strong, but I did not wish to dwell on the fact that I felt stuck. For me a lot of things changed, but those things were things I had no power over. As the saying goes,” The only constant in life is change”-Heraclitus. After losing so much of my life with Rob, it felt good to hang onto the things that felt familiar. Those things were the comfort of my home, family and friends that remained as well as  coworkers I had known for all of the previous years. This way of thinking has held me into a holding pattern and I know it. The problem was even though I tried to hold on to these familiar things, change occurred anyway. Not all of it was bad. Some of the changes turned out to be very good and opened me up to new ways of thinking.

I had been unaware of how I had a fixed mindset about many things which did not serve me. For years I tried to pursue ways I could obtain my teacher certificate. At each attempt, I was faced with both financial barriers as well as blocked opportunities to obtain the certifications in unusual, out of the box ways.  One major deterrent was seeing how the demands of teaching have changed, as well as how the salaries of beginning teachers have not kept pace with the economy. I realize this was a blessing, forcing me to look elsewhere. This has opened me up to ideas I had never considered before. Although time will tell if any of these ideas become a greater opportunity for growth as well as financial advancement, I am now more open to seeing them than I was before.

Another way I had been keeping a fixed mindset was when it came to leaving a familiar place – my home which I had lived with Rob. One thing that Rob and our family rarely did was travel. As a self-employed commercial lobsterman, his job kept us close to home, because he had to be around to tend to his boat  should the weather suddenly turn bad. When Rob was alive this fact never really bothered me and I did not have a burning desire to travel.  Within the last couple of years, my youngest daughter has turned me on to traveling. She has always had the urge to travel and move away from her hometown where I still live. As a result I have visited New York City during the Christmas season, Washington DC during summer vacation, and even went as far as the Bahamas. Each of these trips has given me such fond memories and I think of these times often. Now I am open to and welcome the opportunity to experience new places as well as new experiences.  

I have also come to realize that this fixed mindset also appeared in how I saw myself. I have always loved writing and have written all kinds of things from an early age. At one point I actually thought I would become a journalist so I started taking classes in college in pursuit of that dream. However, life intervened and my plans changed. I continued to write almost everyday in a journal, but I never even considered what I had to say was something that might help others until I became widowed. The realization my writing might help others came as a result of friends and family reaching out to me, asking what advice I had for others who had been widowed. It was then I realized that my experience as a widow, as well as how I dealt with my loss, could help others having a similar experience. So  I started writing this blog for those who had lost loved ones. I wanted to help not only those who experienced the loss directly, but also those who wished to understand how it felt. I had never been brave enough to share my writing with anyone up until that time. I gained the courage to discuss a topic so many people are looking to avoid even though bringing these things out into the open helps us to heal from the loss. 

Although I have tried in many ways to hold onto the familiar, I see I am not the same person I was when Rob passed. I have learned to try new things and to be more adventurous. I had always admired this quality in Rob. He was always exploring new places, starting new hobbies, meeting new people, and have new experiences, even if they were mostly in his own backyard. His enthusiasm for adventure is one of the great legacies he has left to all that knew him. I appreciate this fact everyday as I watch our daughters make changes and explore adventures of their own. It gives me hope I will eventually become unstuck if I keep trying new things. Exploring new things is actually what got me to go out with a stranger, which turned into a more than 20-year-long love affair with Rob. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith in pursuing a new adventure, before your destiny shows up. Sticking with what is familiar and comfortable will not do it. Rob taught me this. Taking a leap towards the unfamiliar is one of the best ways I can honor his memory as well as the sense of adventure he brought to those who knew and loved him. For me this is the greatest way to keep him alive in my heart!