IF YOU WERE HERE

“Being depressed about what’s to come,
would only rob me of the good stuff I have.”
Denny – A character on Virgin River

     Been thinking about Rob a lot lately. I think about him all the time, but this time is different. Now is my turn to be in need of his help like he needed mine when he was sick with cancer. The difference is that what is happening to me is temporary. I had to have surgery on my ankle which has taken me off my feet for at least 6 weeks. When I was first told this surgery would be necessary for me to be able to function normally in the future, my immediate thought was “How will I survive 6 weeks living alone without someone there to assist me?” I explained this fear to my surgeon who assured me that I could always be put in a medical rehab facility (nursing home) until I am on my feet again. With 3 cats, I thought “How would that work?!” My second thought was if Rob were here this would not be an issue! Why isn’t he here? However after some discussion with my daughters, my youngest daughter volunteered to be with me since she works remotely throughout July. So that became the plan and she has been a godsend. Still, it feels off – I am her mother and have always been the one to take care of her when she was sick or injured.

Being off my feet and unable to take care of myself is not something I am used to. Even when Rob was alive, I often had to handle things on my own in the summer since his job  on the ocean took him away for so many hours. I have learned to handle a lot of things not seen as traditional female roles. Mowing the lawn or fixing things in the house to name just two. Now however, I am wondering where my payback is for taking care of him. He should be here taking care of me! What is most frustrating is I know he would have done it gladly. My youngest daughter has done a great job of handling things that I have been unable to do, especially  since these are things she does not normally deal with in her life. I have been trying to ask her for things that need to be done without sounding like a demanding mother. Because she is my daughter it can come across that way, even though our relationship has evolved into a friendship. If Rob was here, he would know what needed to be done. The rest would just be a wife asking her husband for things she needed. My daughter has not hesitated to step in and do things like picking up after me, mowing my grass, putting the sliding screen door back on the track along with numerous other things which are really not her responsibility. If Rob were here he would be the one responsible.

Even with her helping me get through my days, I still can not help feeling like this situation is unfair to the both of us, especially since I am already down and out. Before my surgery, my lawn mower stopped working. After numerous trips back and forth to the repair shop, I thought it was finally fixed and ready for her to use problem free. Yet the first day she does, it breaks down yet again! Why did it have to give me such an issue this year of all years? Then, a few days later, the screen door fell off the track when for the last year I had no issues with it. If Rob were here, he would know what to do and how to repair these things. I also cannot help thinking about the 4 stairs that lead to my front door. Of course, it could be worse. It’s only 4 steps, but trying to get down those steps with one foot at 60 is still a struggle. I cannot help but think if Rob were here, he would have built me a ramp. You would think after 15 years, I would not think about how things would be different if he was here, but I  still do. Yet, I realize I will probable always have these thoughts. At least now they are only passing through compared to when I first lost him.

I have learned that focusing on what should be and why things are wrong will only lead me into depression. Dwelling on what feels like the injustice of it gets me nowhere. I can choose to look at all the “good stuff” around me instead. I am lucky to have someone who loves me and I enjoy being around taking care of me. I have friends  and family texting. Many have come by to visit me, to take away the monotony of my days “just sitting around.” I live in a lovely home I created with great views of the outdoors. Not everyone gets that when they have to be cooped up at home!  When I am bored, I do try my best to enjoy this downtime, because soon life will go back to normal hustle and bustle of everyday life.

So, although I will always imagine how things would be different if Rob were here, his being gone does not mean my life is void of things that bring me joy and happiness. They are still there. I just have to make an effort to look for them. It is more important than ever for me to appreciate what I have now. When I started my journey as a widow, this was not easy to do. I wonder if I had not gone through this journey, would I appreciate all that I have as I do now? I think appreciating the little things in life is exactly the insight I gained when I became a widow. That is a gift some people will never receive and a legacy that I hope to pass on to others.