I Miss You the Most 

“And ever has it been known that love knows not its

own depth until the hour of separation.”

       I have suffered a lot of losses in my life, starting with my grandfather at 16 years old. Then came my mother and my grandmother in my 20’s, later losing my older brother in my early 40’s. The loss I feel the most is that of my late husband when I was 45. I try my best to live in the present moment, but as I sit enjoying my morning tea, reading a good book and thinking about the fun I had last night with friends, I can’t stop my heart from feeling he should be here sitting with me enjoying this moment. Even though my logical brain tells me if he was meant to be here, he would be. My heart feels this, despite the fact I also believe it is possible I could find love again. My heart knows the love I find with someone else will be different, not better or worse – just different. It could be just as strong and long-lasting, but it can never ever be the same.

Although I miss all the others I have lost, the loss of my late husband is the one loss which feels most present in my life. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with him and he knew the whole of me, not just the parts. He saw all that I was when I was with him. I could share my whole being with him and now that’s something truly missing in my life. Although I have some amazing relationships in my life like the relationships, I share with my two daughters who are truly my best friends and know me better than anyone else alive, the parts of me I shared with my late husband are gone forever. They will never again exist. Losing him changed me in ways that I could never imagine both for the worse and for the better.  I lost the innocence which allowed me to believe everything always works out if you have enough faith, because he died despite the fact that I believed he would make it. Losing that innocence of believing truly has changed the way I see things forever. I have to work very hard at keeping the faith when things are not going as planned. It is more work to see things in a positive light.

As a result of his loss, I am more easily able to see all I have taken for granted in the past, the unwavering love he had for me that I could always count on, the support I could turn to when times were tough, and all the little things his presence brought into and made better in my life. All those little things are the things I miss every day, even now – goodbye hugs and kisses, things he did around the house that lighten the load, coming home to him, someone who loved me, in the evening, especially after a hard day. Having someone to talk to and confide in about both the good and bad things that happened.

I think what saddens me the most is the loss of the shared past we had with our children, being able to reminisce about our memories of when they were younger, as well as not being able to share in the proud moments when they have had milestones in their lives the years after he passed. I will never have someone that shares the same love of our children that I shared with him. Sure it’s possible I might find someone who might grow to love them as the wonderful adults they are now, but that kind of relationship would not be the same. It saddens me also that he never got to have the adult relationship with them that I do now, especially because he often spoke of how much he looked forward to this himself.

Do I think these things will keep me from finding another meaningful relationship someday?  No, I still am hopeful it will happen, although I know it will be different. Different does not mean it will be worse. It will be different for the reasons above, but also because I am different. I now know how important it is to appreciate all that one has as well as understand all one could lose. With this knowledge, any new relationship I have brings with it an appreciation I lacked before. Although I will always feel the loss of my late husband, his loss has given me something wonderful I can bring into my next relationship – an appreciation for all that someone is and all they provide.