What Choice do I have?

“It’s this or die ! What choice do I have?”- Rob Wigsten

     This was Rob’s response whenever anyone would call him brave while fighting his cancer. Looking back at his response I understand it even more, because my journey with grief often feels this way. Although on so many levels  I have dealt with the journey well yet grief  is a lifelong battle. Your grief never really leaves you; it just changes. At first , you have no choice ,but to just keep on going even when you feel like you cannot make it another day.

My life changed so drastically when I became a widow. I lost my main support system, my best friend and the future I had planned with him as well as the father of my children.   So often I feel alone dealing with life’s issues. It’s tiring when it feels like everything rest upon your shoulders. You lose the love of your life, but also your  greatest support system, your sense of security and safety. It leaves you feeling alone without a safety net. Although I feel lucky to have  people, I can count on in my life to be there for me when I really need it. The difference is their support is not an automatic response. I have to seek them out and ask for their help. It is not always easy to ask them since they have their own people to support. Being married to someone or in a committed relationship the support is different. It is usually something you can count on at any point.

There are so many things I miss about no longer having my partner.  I miss the security I had knowing everything was not on my shoulders. If things got to be too much, I could lean on him to take up the slack. That no longer exists in my life in the way it had. My daughters are very supportive and my biggest help. I do also have the luxury of great friends and family members who would step in if I asked, but it just is not the same. I cannot justify asking them for things I can accomplish on my own. However many times it is an overwhelming list of things for just one person to accomplish in a limited amount of time and energy. Grief is often a thief and drains you of both of these things on top of everything else.  Often, I end up feeling overwhelmed!  Yet, what choice do I really have? It all needs to get handled and it would be unfair of me to ask anyone else to do it since it is my house , my bills, my pets, my car, etc. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. When you have a partner, it becomes our responsibility not just yours. Both of you can take the time off of work to handle it. So many employers  lack the empathy to see you are dealing  with all of these things alone.  Yet, on a logical level I know I am not the only one to feel overwhelm. However as a widow, this adds to another layer to the sense of loneliness and  aloneness you feel.  Your life is not the one you had planned on, but the one that has been forced upon you. You did not go looking for this life. It came to find you. If you were given the choice , it would not have been something you would have chosen. This is not something “textbooks” on widowhood teaches you about and you are not prepared for it.

This sense of feeling alone is not just a feeling, but also sometimes a reality  More often than not, you end up doing many things alone. You cannot just decide to get up and do something unless you want to do it alone.  This sense of aloneness is not just psychological , but real. Often people you saw as friends fade away after the death of your partner, because you are no longer part of a couple. This means less invitations to go out as couples. His friends which you thought were your friends too, often stop inviting you. It is not done with malice, but it still hurts. So it is then you realize in order to not spend so much time alone, you have to develop your own social life. Once again, you are being asked to draw from your limited  time and energy to plan a social life . This happens at a time when grief has often robbed you of the energy. You also have been robbed of time, because now the responsibilities which you once shared with another have now become yours alone. Often you feel an unfairness about it. Especially when you see others not appreciate the help they have. You want to shout “You do not know how lucky you are to have them even if they are not perfect! “ I would take back my imperfect husband in a second if I could.  Now I truly understand the saying “ You do not know what you have until it’s gone!”  Widows’ sense of aloneness also comes from the fact this journey is one many people have not taken so do not understand why we feel or react the way we do. It is not a journey I would wish upon anyone, just one I know I share with others, who I wish to help by writing this blog

Another layer to this feeling of aloneness often comes, because you have lost your sense of security felt within a relationship. No one is there to reassure you everything will be alright when you are feeling like you are falling off a cliff, and overreacting to a situation.  When there are two to handle all of the difficult things happening in your life, at least you can share the burden. It’s lonely to face absolutely everything feeling alone or knowing there is no one there if you are just not in a good place to handle all that is on your plate at the moment. It is helpful to have  someone who can talk  you down from the cliff you think you are on.  Keeping a positive mindset during these times is difficult. Yet, again you must be the one to make the choice to change your thinking about what is in front of you  and get on with the business of life. You can know intellectually; one’s sense of safety and security should come within one’s self. That does not mean emotionally you can feel it.

Let’s face it we all need people at some point. It’s just now I have to look for those people sometimes outside of my own home. Find them in family members, friends and a community of people. Although all of us need to do this, for those widowed it’s not always easy, because this often feels like just another thing to do when your list is already too long. When we need it the most after we are recently widowed, it is one of the hardest things to do when getting up in the morning is an effort! Even recently I have felt unsecure and unsafe, with many things  going on at once, while trying to balance them all on my own. It made me miss my husband all the more. I did manage  to get what was necessary done with some help from  my daughters. Now, I am on the other side of it, it does not mean I do not long for the days  of the old life with my husband as support.  I believe maybe at some point I could find another to fill that role. However, finding someone new in this day at my age feels daunting. Sometimes I am not sure I have the energy for it.

I know these circumstances of feeling overwhelmed is temporary I will again regain the strength to do more, because as Rob said “ It is this or die!”. For today I choose to go on even if sometimes it all feels like a struggle, because Rob would have chosen the struggle in order to live another day . I know the alternative is not the one I wish to choose, so I will live on, because I have the privilege of having the choice of going on, which is something denied to many! So I know the right thing to do is stop complaining, put my big girl pants on be brave, and face life’s challenges head on!